Yes, Prime Minister by Antony Jay

Author:Antony Jay [Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780571260713
Publisher: Faber & Faber
Published: 2010-05-26T16:00:00+00:00

Act Two

SCENE ONE

Jim, Humphrey, Claire and Bernard are where they were at the end of Act One. The action is continuous.

Jim Here’s the problem: If we get a girl for him, and it got out somehow, the public would not understand.

Claire You think?

Jim Is there a way to neutralise that?

Humphrey Prime Minister, you have always taken a very high moral tone. You’re on the record against teenage sex. If you were now to endorse prostitution as an instrument of policy, there’s a chance you could be accused of inconsistency.

Jim There are exceptions to every rule. In this case, I’d make a special exception to allow the girl to have patriotic sex with Aitikeev. She’d be doing this for her country, for Britain! It would actually be an act of the greatest nobility.

Claire In which position?

Jim Shut up, Claire! Every day we ask our boys and girls in the front line to risk their lives for their country. A tremendous sacrifice. Some of them make the ultimate sacrifice. This is a different front line, a small sacrifice by comparison, yet one so huge in its result that it could tip the balance towards peace and security.

Bernard But statutory rape is a crime.

Jim Mr Aitikeev has diplomatic immunity.

Bernard You haven’t!

Jim I could be prosecuted?

Bernard Conspiracy. Pandering.

Jim Only if I knew about it.

Humphrey But you do know about it.

Claire If any of this leaks, he doesn’t know. Okay?

Jim Do you think people will believe that?

Claire Why not?

Humphrey There are so many things you don’t know, what’s one more?

Jim gives him look.

Claire We must frame it differently. You called this statutory rape, Bernard. We avoid that kind of inflammatory language, even in a classified document. Clinton did it with an adult and he got into trouble just for a blow-job.

Humphrey stands.

Humphrey I don’t think I wish to be here for this conversation. It is unseemly. (Goes to the door, turns.) Prime Minister, take no part in this. Deniability works better if there’s a little truth in it.

Jim But speaking hypothetically, what is your view?

Humphrey Obviously, in difficult times, sacrifices do have to be made. Especially by ordinary people.

He exits.

Claire He’s right.

Jim Claire, I hear everything you’re saying. But – I still have a sort of uncomfortable feeling about this. I know that may sound weird –

Claire No, it’s very sweet of you. Very caring.

Jim Thank you.

Claire Sometimes it’s hard for a common-sense solution to prevail over ingrained emotional responses, however irrational.

Bernard If we can’t call it statutory rape or a blow-job, how should it be referred to?

Jim We must make it sound positive. Like the Yanks did with torture – they called it enhanced interrogation techniques.

Claire How about ‘enhanced entertainment techniques’?

Jim It would have worked, but it’s been done.

They think.

Bernard Horizontal diplomacy?

Jim Smoking gun.

Bernard Anglo-Kumranistan Liaison Project?

Jim Isn’t that a bit of a mouthful?

Claire That’s it! A euro-job!

Jim Brilliant. A euro-job!

Claire We may need some way to refer to the girl, too. What do we call someone who gives a euro-job?

Bernard A eurologist?

Jim What if it does get out, how will we defend it?

Bernard No! It’s impossible.

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